Tuesday, October 20, 2009

At Forty, a Lump of Coal

Ok, so I turn 40 today. Big deal. Just another day. Just another decade.

Part of me wants to celebrate--I have a son that just turned 18, I have 4 wonderful children, a beautiful and caring wife, and we all are healthy and happy. Except, part of me wants to lounge in the duldrums of my mediocrity and misadventures. I am not where I want to be, not nearly--as a Christian, as a father, as a husband, as an employee, as a writer, or as a citizen, a friend, a son, a brother or a reader of fine literature.

Are my expectations realistic? Probably not. Am I being hard on myself, maybe exhibiting a little too much self-loathing? Is it common to feel angst again at 40? I am, after all, just unhappy with MYSELF. I do not blame God, or my family or any external influences for my uneasiness with where I am or where I should be.

God puts these ambitions on my heart to spur me to action, not self-pity. But, perhaps, just like being converted, before we move forward, we have to realize how in NEED we are. Perhaps this feeling of inadequacy is the refining fire, the external pressure I need to turn from the lump of coal I feel I am to the diamond that God wants me to be.